Getting Ready For BlogHer 2011-Pretty Toes

Pretty Toes

I was reading my friend KayKay’s blog yesterday and she gave a great SEO tip that I’m totally stealing today.  I’m not sure if she knew she was giving out a great SEO tip or not, but she sure as shootin’ was.

(If you don’t know what SEO is then grab your first born and sacrifice him or her in the name of the founders of Google. Because once you know about SEO you can’t unknow it. I’m not going to tell you what it is. You’ll have to eat that apple yourself.)

For good or for ill, I do know about SEO. I also know about Alexa and Klout. Klout’s now my Gangsta Pimp and I’m his dirty, low self-esteemed whore. Just for kicks I went to see what Klout’s Gangsta Pimp name would be and wasn’t surprised to find out that it is:

On a daily basis, Cow-Tippin Monkey Hunta lets me know what the other kids on the playground people in social media think about me.  Every day Monkey Hunta sums up my social worth in a random number based on some inexplicable metric that nobody really understands.

Yesterday my magic self-worth number was 54.  Here’s Monkey Hunta’s Social Media advice to me based on this number:

Now the truth of this is that my Klout went up day before yesterday, but does Klout reassure me that I’m Okay, You’re Okay?  NO!  Monkey Hunta is quick to remind me that the other kids are less likely to trade their HostessTM Ding Dongs for my bologna sandwich today because I SUCK. But it holds out the carrot that if I just try harder maybe the other kids WILL like me. Maybe.

Since I learned about this number out there that rates my social value, I wake up every morning and promise myself that I won’t care what Klout says about me. But every day I look and I end up caring. But that’s not our topic.

Our topic today is our new SEO: Pretty Toes.  I figure if I can become the Pantyhose Queen, over and over, again, then the title of Pretty Toes Princess is within my grasp. Maybe I can lure some more guys here from Google’s search engine to come and ogle my blog and make vaguely suggestive comments that scare me a little bit.

I’m not a total sell-out. I needed to do a pedicure anyway. That’s because I’m going to BlogHer and I know for a fact that the other women there will decide in 3 seconds whether I’m a person of worth or not based on my feet.  Having my worst fears confirmed, I know that my entire blogging future rests not on my ability to turn a phrase or make links out of images but on the appearance of my feet and the footwear I place upon them.

Men don’t have these problems. My husband has never anguished over the state of his feet or the cuteness of his footwear. EVER. And he never, ever will. But then he’ll never get to know the joy of having his genitals ripped wide open giving birth to another human being or having sore and bleeding nipples either. Poor man.

Now that I blog like a demon, meaning that I live in terror of waking up one day and having nothing to say, not that I’m actually a demon, everything in my life is a potential blog topic. And today’s topic is feet. Pretty feet.  Specifically, pretty toes.

Of course, you are saying to yourself, “Hey, Chloe, go get yourself a salon pedicure!”

I used to love getting salon pedicures. That was until Paul (I don’t think that was his real name since he was Vietnamese and didn’t speak a lick of English) gave me an STD-FF (Salon Transmitted Disgusting Foot Fungus). While Paul’s magic hands were bringing me more pleasure than should be legal in a shopping mall, he was also giving me a nasty fungal infection that took months to cure, leaving me to lament that while there is Safe Sex in this world there apparently is no such thing as Safe Salon Pedicure. So, just like the 80s all over again; I’ve had to learn to do myself.

Since it was a rare lovely warm summer day on the Mountain, I decided to do the deed on my front porch.

So here it is, the obligatory humiliating before picture:

Looks like a foot mug shot from this angle.

I keep all my nail supplies in this little organizer.

I lay out my supplies real neat-like:

And then the cat that I hate comes and ruins everything.

You’re thinking, “Oh, what a sweet little cat, why would Chloe hate him?” But I do. One day I’ll tell his sad tale of woe, but for now let it be known that I HATE this cat with the heat of a thousand suns. Maybe you’ll understand why in a minute.

And here’s the money shot:

Yes, you can keep your cat-loving ASPCA-threatening hate mail. I’m not the one picking him up this way and I’m not the one who took the pictures. It is just what happened.

And then I could soak my feet in peace.

Then my daughter graciously did the polish for me.

But the cat came back and nearly ruined my polish.

But he still wouldn’t leave.

Now this is the part that gets really real. I thought it would look great to get a picture of my feet from my hammock, but my daughter just thought it was hilarious. I almost messed up the polish again. Don’t look at the part where I’m bra-less and wearing pajama bottoms at 3 in the afternoon, okay?

I hope these feet are good enough for Blogher.

I can’t wait to see if I end up with +Cow Tippin’ Monkey Hunta for Pretty Toes.


32 thoughts on “Getting Ready For BlogHer 2011-Pretty Toes

  1. Not a fan of cats here. And I'm headed out to get a pedicure this a.m. because I have a gift card to use. But now I have the fear of fungal diseases lurking in my mind. I think I'll live dangerously this a.m.

  2. BAHAHAHAHA I love my cat, most of the time, except when she's having her bulimia episodes all over my house!!!! She always has to check out the action no matter if it's a board game, toe painting or reading on the floor.

  3. Ack, cori, cat throw-up is the worst. And the sounds they make while doing it….argh!This stupid cat does not understand that I'M NOT HIS MOTHER and I don't want him suckling off of me. I can't go outside in the winter because it is freezing cold and I can't go out in the summer because of this stupid cat.

  4. You crack me up…supplies in an organizer? Lay them out? Wow. The cat makes me laugh and your pic of you falling off the hammock makes me smile. I'm glad you had a fun day!

  5. My boys loved your cat photos, but then asked, "If she hates it so much, why doesn't she get rid of it? Can't she sell it?" I tried to explain that one simply doesn't *do* that to a cat one has adopted, but I'm not sure they were convinced.

  6. Yeah, it doesn't really work that way, does it? I don't think anybody is going to buy a cat that still wants to suckle and if you don't let him then he bites you. That's a hard cat to sell. Unless your boys want a cat?

  7. Women judge me by my FEET?!?! Who knew? I've been offending them for years. I'll go eat some of the fried chicken that Monkey Hunta says I'm so influential about.You motivate me to go and get my "pretty toes"post ready to go. Perhaps to celebrate my 200th? 200! I can't even believe it.I adore the hammock photo. Classic Chloe keepin' it real.

  8. I think they might. Everything I've been reading about preparing for BlogHer says "shoes, shoes, and more shoes". And it's summer so that means sandals and that means toes. Everything is connected…like the universe…we're just one big pedicure needing to happen.

  9. Oh, this is funny!You know SEO works on pictures too. Label your pictures accurately and you'll get hits on them. Cat pictures are gold. Make sure to watermark them too.

  10. Oh my Chloe, what would I do without your funny stories!! Thanks for the morning laugh, now I must be on my way to figure out what to do with my kids and animals for the weekend while I'm gone (see SL Friends for details). I asked Anne about Klout and she said it will make me crazy! I guess I'll let that go for now, my life is already crazy making! But I am going to figure out what SEO is! And I'm getting a pedicure today (never knew about the fungus potential, now I'm a little worried!). Have a great day!

  11. I'm sorry. I feel sort of like the person who has handed you the Kool-Aid. But don't worry, after the first few swallows it hardly hurts at all.

  12. I get the worry about salon hygiene… but I'm a lucky woman. Wookie does wonderful pedicures and as he's all mine I don't have to worry about horrible invasive germs. He bought me the spa soak but someone else bought the weirdly coloured pink pedicure organizer…

  13. Fungal infection from a salon pedicure? Ewwww! Don't they sanitize their instruments? Thinking if I ever get another salon pedi, I'm coming home and applying tea tree oil immediately.Slowly backing away while shuddering now…

  14. Yeah, it totally can happen. Others had warned me, but I didn't listen. It did appear to be a clean place with lots of regular clients, but that's the only place I figure it could have come from. Now I'm paranoid about it.

  15. The deal is to give one a headache about everything. šŸ™‚ (kidding)Name them before saving them back to your computer and also when loading onto your blog. I cannot remember what happens on blogger. Brain drain.

  16. Hi Chloe,I so need a pedicure before the weekend and not just for blogher. I have a 2 year old this week out of town so it's likely that she won't sit quietly while I visit the spa. Looks like I'll be heading to Target to pick up some supplies. Looking forward to meeting you at Blogher. JMM

  17. Chloe, no I had no idea what SEO was! Never heard of it, and I plan to stay blissfully ignorant. The same way that I'm planning to stick my fingers in my ears and sing lalalalala regarding the possibility of foot fungus from salon pedicures! In fact I'm doing right this minute cause salon pedicures are one of the great pleasures of life, especially at my age!Hope your SEO does what it's supposed to do! It should cause this is a great blog.Have fun at Blogher. (Just another thing that I didn't know about.)

  18. Life is full-up with risk, so I'd be the last person to tell you not to walk on the wild side. Enjoy your pretty, pretty toes, KayKay, and thanks for the SEO idea.

  19. Jean, If you say "pantyhose" they will come. Of course "they" might be pervs who've found your site by googling "boy in pantyhose" or something like that, but isn't all press supposed to be good press?

  20. In advance of BlogHer, I prettied up my feet, too! I wore my fanciest glittery silver flipflops for you guys and my toes were painted "Rock Star Pink". One of highlights of the conference for me was when another participant complimented me on my polish. That's when I knew I was in the club! ; )

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