How Edward Brought Me Back From the UnDead, Part 2

This story starts out very, very sad.  The day my son went to San Francisco found me sobbing on my bathroom floor.

He took my heart to San Francisco

Anyone who has suffered from depression knows that the commercial is right: Depression Hurts. It hurts you, it hurts the people you love. It hurts a lot.

Here I was.

I did not want my 19-year old daughter to get married. It didn’t matter that her betrothed was wonderful or that she was desperately in love; it wasn’t what I wanted for her or for me.

Several weeks after she was married I committed the ultimate new-mother-of-the-bride sin and I broke down in sobs on her couch because I missed her so much. It was awful and I felt awful even as it was happening. I know darn well that I was put on this earth to take care of her, not the other way around. I knew too well what it felt like to have my own mother-daughter role reversed and I HATED myself for falling apart on my daughter and being weak and needing so desperately for her to take care of me.

I hated my mother for her illness and for all her many weaknesses and failures. I tried and tried to forgive her, but I was never completely able to do so while she lived. Yes, I understood her; I knew why she was the way she was, and I loved her as best I could up until the end.  But I was furious that she did not take care of herself and her life. Why couldn’t she ever be the strong one who took care of me? I do not have one memory as a child where I felt safe and cared for by either of my parents, ever.

That’s why my own family was so damned important to me, and now it felt like it was falling apart.

And my son? In the Spring of 2009, I was certain that him running off to San Francisco was absolute proof of my failure as a mother. (I now think it is actually a beautiful story about how an acorn doesn’t fall far from the oak, but that’s a tale for another day.)

Everything I thought I was living for had fallen apart.  I couldn’t be a church leader anymore because I was too broken.  My children, in a matter of months, were no longer living at home for me to mother 24/7.  And my mother’s overwhelming financial and health problems threatened at every turn to comsume me alive. What was left?  Everything that really mattered to me was gone.

Well, maybe not everything.

I met HIM late at night while my husband was at work.  I swear to you I didn’t plan for it to happen. In fact, I’d planned to stay away from him. I knew better. I have no excuse  I knew he was dangerous.  I knew I should stay away.

But that night I couldn’t help myself. The pull was too strong. Like the salesman away at a convention who knows he shouldn’t go down to the bar for a nightcap, I knew I shouldn’t go looking for HIM. But I went looking for him just the same.

And so, under cover of darkness, late at night, while my husband was off at work, I googled and found Edward.

What an evil woman Stephanie Meyer is. The depths of her depravity cannot be plumbed. She put Edward right out there in front of me, for free, and like Eve in the Garden, I succumbed to temptation.

Reading there all alone in the dark about Edward and his insatiable appetite for Bella, something deep within me that I had thought long dead began to stir.

The next day I snuck out to the local bookstore.

Trust me, I wanted to go in like this:

But I can’t drive that way, so I had to go in like this:

I’m sure the lady thought I was nutso even without the bag over my head. I kept looking over my shoulder in case anyone I knew should see what I was doing. Honestly, in my little town, I would have been more comfortable buying goddess Tarot cards and a book on how to become a Wiccan than buying those Twilight books. I felt just naughty. And damn it if those books aren’t in the teen/children’s section.

So there I am, a full grown woman standing in the teen section trying to look nonchalant.  I didn’t know where to put my eyes.  Should I look at the evil fruit I wanted so desperately, Edward, or that other evil, Harry Potter?

All the while wondering, “How in the world did I find myself here??”

Usually I try to save the planet and refuse the bag at the bookstore, but if I couldn’t put one over my head, I for sure made the poor, baffled saleslady use one for this purchase.  (Come to think of it, Why is it I always have my existential crises in front of sales ladies?)

I ran immediately home with my secret and hid myself away with HIM.

And as I read about Bella and Edward, I remembered.

Once upon a time I wasn’t a mother. I wasn’t a church leader. I wasn’t Susie Homeschool mom. I wasn’t a nurse. I wasn’t a caretaker to a sick and needy mother. Once upon a time I’d been just a woman. And once upon a time I’d been a woman in love. And come to think of it, I was still a woman in love.

And the man I was in love with was very sad, too.

And helpless.

He was doing everything he could do to rescue me, but in my grief and self-absorption, I’d made myself unrescuable.

I really thought I was living my life for God, and I still mostly think I was. But life hadn’t worked out the way I’d planned.  Frankly, I don’t know why God runs His universe the way He does. They say it is for His own glory and I must admit that seems very egotistical to me.  How dare God use my pain for His glory anyway. But the many ways God baffles and confounds me is a post for another day.  Today it’s about Edward and how he turned my mourning into dancing.

I hid the books from my husband for awhile, but finally I had to admit to him that I was reading them. We rented the first movie. (Which, by the way, I must admit was terrible. Pattinson looks like he’s going to throw up the first time he sniffs Bella in Biology Class, which is hardly how I envisioned him when I read Midnight Sun.)

I began to remember that I had my very own Edward and he was waiting for me to come back from the undead. And unlike the Edward in the story, my lover has warm feet to keep me warm, and warm hands to hold me safe, and a warm heart to cherish me always.

And just like that, I began to walk out of the grave of unhappiness I’d dug.

Our Very Own Meadow

I could tell you all the ways that Edward saved me, but I think it is best if I let my husband tell you himself.  Here is the letter he wrote on the Sonlight Forums on April 27, 2009

An open letter about ‘Twilight’

So I sat with the ever young and lovely Chloe o’the Mountain a short time back and actually watched ‘Twilight’ which had caught her interest due to [Daddy Otter’s] thread on the subject.

Now….while I am pretty good at chick flicks….watch them with Chloe…watch them with Princess Sweetie Pea…even by myself if it looks like I’ll enjoy it (the latest was ‘Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day’…I really liked it) I just couldn’t take ‘Twilight’… was just a little much for me….but the thing that truly set me off was the whole change in the vampire mythos….I tend to be picky about my monsters.

Poor Chloe had to sit through it with me while I squirmed and coughed and made little side comments (I didn’t think I was making that much noise but she says I was……must have been involuntary on my part as I was trying very hard to keep my opinions to myself) and I think I ruined her first viewing. Not to worry though….she watched it again without me and proclaimed it to be much superior in a Tick-less environment

Next thing I know….she’s got the book…which she admitted she was trying to hide from me….out of shame I’m sure….but I was frankly thrilled to see her reading an actual fictional novel (Chloe tends towards textbooks in her “light” reading) and I told her as much.

Now on to the reason for this thread……I have noticed since the whole Twilight thing began in our home a certain lighter air…..a new twinkle in my lovely wife’s eye….more laughter…..more banter….an increase in playfulness…..which I did attribute to the “mental vacation” that nothing but a good (if not necessarily extremely well written….her words not mine) mind-candy novel can provide……..BUT………..

Imagine the shock…..the surprise……the delight……when I went into shower today…..hit play on the bathroom stereo…..hopped into the shower expecting Earth Wind and Fire………and out comes…….

(Your reading enjoyment will be enhanced if you click on the video and listen to the song as you read the rest)

Yes it’s true……Chloe not only picked out a CD to listen to while bathing (amazing enough in itself) but picked DISCO…..I’m so proud.

I therefore must admit that ‘Twilight’ has actually been GOOD for my lovely wife……and I thought I would admit it here so as to bolster up the ladies who may be reading these books with a flashlight under the covers and to throw out a word of encouragement to the men who now not only have to share there wives with Sonlight in general, but now also have to share them with Edward.

There are rewards gentlemen, at least at my house.

And yes, I shall buy her all the other books and the movies as well if she requires them……they make her happy….and that’s all that counts with me.

I may have to write that author a thank you note.

The Tick*

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love

*This is the post I mentioned that was inexplicably pulled off by the moderators.  

25 thoughts on “How Edward Brought Me Back From the UnDead, Part 2

  1. Oh, I love this post! (The music really helps set the tone, perfect!) I am completely baffled- no, gobsmacked- at how such an innocent, lovely post could get pulled. I truly don't understand.

  2. "How dare God use my pain for His glory anyway." Do you have an answer for this? Because this is where I'm at right now. And I need answers!So, if I got caught reading the Twilight series, everyone would think I had flipped and they would surely think I was heading in the direction to hell. Now you've got me all curious. At this point in my own story, any anecdote for happiness is tempting.

  3. Your illustrations are making me LOL. I adore them!!! The safeway bag is my favorite so far.Oh – sure – the post is amazing but it's the art that draws me in. (har…Draws…)

  4. I'm kind of in the whole hating God using my pain for his glory thing. And I'm trying to come to terms with it. But actually right now, believe it or not, I'm watching New Moon. With my husband – who thankfully is keeping his comments to a minimum. 🙂

  5. lol, right. lolThe Safeway bag made me laugh. I really wished at the time that I could have gone in with a bag over my head. I was desperately afraid someone would see me. It seems so silly now to me. But it was serious to me then.

  6. Yeah, it totally sucks. And I really don't get it. I don't understand what God's glory really means. I have a hard time reconciling God being so consumed with His own glory and Him being good and loving and Jesus coming as the suffering servant who said that the first would be last. It doesn't make logical sense to me right now.

  7. I sure didn't admit it right away to people whose opinion of me as "godly" really mattered. And yes, I think that sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures and that we have to do what we have to do to survive and thrive.I have no answers about God. I find that if I think very much on this I teeter on the brink of unbelief and I want to believe in a good, loving God.

  8. Ummmm, yeah. I don't know. But when that happened I knew then that the eye of Sauron was upon me and that my happy days there were numbered.

  9. Hi. My name's Susan. You can call me Susie if you like. And I'm a homeschool Mom.Fiction that takes one away can be a very nice, refreshing thing. Personally, I didn't enjoy the first book in the series, so I never read any more of them, but I'm delighted that you enjoyed them.

  10. Hmmm, funny how you hope to hear a certain answer to a question…I was hoping you had the amazing and wonderful answer that would make my pain have some sense. I guess not. I'm with you, and want to believe in a good, loving God. I keep hanging on by a thread.

  11. I believe that your pain makes sense only to the point that you grow from it and bless others out of it. That's all I've got, Kristy. I hope it helps.

  12. I am totally enchanted with your blog, Chloe. So much so that Edward can wait. A bit. At least until I finally find my way to the Barnes & Noble I saw a few miles and a couple exits from my new house. =-)Chelle

  13. "…..they make her happy….and that's all that counts with me." ~ TickThat one phrase makes me want to bawl my eyes out. You're a blessed lady, C.And now I'm debating whether or not I should get into the sparkly skinned jail-bait stories. Naw…Monday MC here is about as wild as I get 🙂

  14. Oh, and I remember this post when it was first at SL…it amazed me then. Tick's non-judgment, his grace and support…I don't have words to say what it does to me…but thank you both for sharing

  15. He's a good man. And he tolerates a lot from me. I do try to make it worth his while, but still, he tolerates a lot from me and I know it and I appreciate it very much. Thanks for reading.

  16. I think that a lot of us get to this place at some point and start to wonder, "What does it all mean anyway?" And those simple answers just don't suffice anymore. It is a hard place to be.

  17. I am curious, Chloe… Do you think you would have had this experience if it was a different book? Was it just getting completely lost in the story, (any story) or is there something about Edward that you related to?I really liked your point about growing from the pain and blessing others through it.

  18. I think depression affected my ability to process information well. I think the simplicity of this book and the simple story were things my brain could comprehend. And, for all Twilight's many flaws, I think Meyer does a fantastic job of make fresh those emotions of what it feels to fall madly in love. But thing I appreciated about her story the most, aside from the romance, is the part about Edward (well, really Carlisle first) not accepting his soul-less, damned fate. As a person who clings to my faith as best I can, I can relate to that. For all intents and purposes, if vampire mythology is true (I mean metaphorically speaking, not factually speaking), then Edward (and the Cullens) are damned to hell. It doesn't matter whether they feed on humans or not, does it? But they choose to be good despite that. And I find that is my human condition.The fact that they decide to live to a higher code of morality, and act like there is a good God, whether or not there is a God at all, or whether or not they are damned no matter what they do is meaningful to me. They choose to be good because that's a choice they make, regardless of whether they'll be rewarded in eternity or not is meaningful to me personally.

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