I can pinpoint the exact moment I turned the corner. I wrote about it on April 25, 2009, right here. Funny thing is that April 25th is my anniversary and I didn’t mention that in the post at all. I feel terrible about that now. Really terrible. (I’m so sorry, honey.) Truth is, I’m not easy to be married to even in the best of times.
I have had serious depression three times in my life. Once before I was married, once when I found out I couldn’t have any more children, and then once starting in 2007.
The last episode was by far the worst and has had the most long-reaching consequences. Before we moved up here I can honestly say that I didn’t know what anxiety was. I wish I could still say that now.
A whole bunch of really bad things happened right away when we first moved up here to the Mountain and it resulted in me picking up a nasty anxiety disorder, to, of all things, mail.
As I said before, the avoidance-anxiety god is a merciless god. The more you avoid, the more avoidance he demands, until suddenly you find you cannot even live your life anymore. I got on the avoidance-anxiety treadmill and just couldn’t get off.
Then all the other stuff happened and slowly but surely I found myself paralyzed with depression.
My poor husband was so worried about me. My daughter was worried about me. My friends were worried about me. I was worried about me.
I started to have very bad thoughts. I really didn’t want to live anymore, which is hard to say out loud, and maybe I shouldn’t, but maybe somebody out there is reading this and thinking these sorts of thoughts and I want them to know that there is a way out. I don’t know what your way out is, but there is one. No matter how dark or hopeless it seems, you can feel joy again. It was a hard road, but I did it, and I did it without antidepressants (although I do think antidepressants do have a place and a time). And I think you can too.
I came to feel that almost everything I had based my life on was crap. What is the point of living for God when He ignores your prayers and doesn’t seem to care about your pain? What is the point of living a righteous life when the other Christians reject you just the same? What is the point of pouring your life into your children when all they are going to do is go off and live their own lives the way they want? What is the point of working so hard to overcome your family dysfunction when you can never really escape it? What is the point of it all?
I know how lucky I am. I had several things going for me. I have a good husband. I have some really great friends. And I had enough money to seek medical and therapeutic care. Truth be told though, my medical doctor was a jerk about it all. While he certainly didn’t rush me while I was in his office, I’m afraid that I’ve come to realize that he thinks that all women are hysterical and out of that he pretty much blew me off. But I did receive much help from Capstone when our son was there and I think our counselors there, Steve and Jeremiah, probably saved my life.
And then Edward came.
…to be continued.