Today is a rainy, dreary day and I’m afraid that the weather perfectly mirrors my mood. I’m on call at work sitting around with nothing to do, finding myself still sleepy from the time change, and pondering where shall my life shall go from here. Idle, tired, and ruminating on a dark and dreary day is always an omnious combination for me, but I don’t feel depressed, just really, really pensive. And while I’ve managed to avoid depression this winter through right living, it seems that even right living appears to have its unexpected and unpleasant consequences.
My knee injury continues to be an annoying and persistent problem and I’m coming to the unhappy realization that I will likely be dealing to some degree with this for the rest of my life. I have been getting physical therapy for it and while I think that’s been helpful, rehab is a painfully slow and somewhat frustrating process.
On the advice of my physical therapist, Jason, I can’t really do any strenous exercise without irritating it and that is irritating me. No running. No squatting. No lunging. Period. In fact, I have to keep my leg straight as much as humanly possible. Thankfully, I have been able to adapt several of my Jillian Michaels DVD’s with limited success. In particular, I really like her 6-Week to 6-Pack and Shred With Weights workouts, both of which I can adapt pretty easily–I subsitute my PT leg exercises for the squats and lunges–but clearly life without intense aerobic activity is starting to affect me a little bit. I can walk up to speeds of 3.5 miles an hour on the treadmill and that just isn’t fast enough to get a sweat going and pump endorphins. And the lack of those endorphins makes me feel sluggish and unmotivated, and, for some inexplicable reason, ravenously hungry for chocolate and cheese.
The treadmill thing isn’t a perfect solution anyway, because, along with my knee issues, I’m also now having a flare-up of plantar fasciitis. It seems that the exercises I do that work for my knee irritate my PF and the exercises that don’t exacerbate my PF hurt my knee. Sigh. It is very frustrating. And this seemingly unwinnable battle against pain has left me cranky and on edge.
On the good side of life, it appears that I’ve reached the end of a dificult four year cycle of my life. And good riddance, I say. Well not entirely. No, I take that back. I’m glad it is over.
The past two weeks have brought about some amazing things. A week and a half ago, I went and met separately with a couple of pastors to clear up some issues that have been plaguing me. One meeting went extremely well and the other went as expected (not badly, mind you, just as expected). But the important thing is that I’m clear. I said and did the things I was supposed to say and do and I’m not responsible for anything beyond that. I feel very free now to continue on as a Christian as best I can.
It probably is no great secret to anyone who has followed me online that I’ve really struggled with my faith over the past four years. Well, not really, just that I’m sure that it seems like I have to others outside of myself. I don’t really feel that my belief in Jesus has wavered much, but my belief in the Bride has been shaken to its fundamental core. It’s like I’ve been attending a wedding where I love the bridegroom but can’t help but think the bride is an unfortunate choice.
I’ve been tempted to just give up as a Christian altogether because I’m so frustrated with what I perceive as small-mindedness among my fellow brothers and sisters. But I just can’t let my Jesus go. I do believe in God and I do believe that Jesus is God. I believe it because I believe it, but I also want to believe that there is a loving God who somehow makes sense out of this world, and who makes sense out of me. So, I’m going to believe. But that opens up the next question: How then shall I live?
Now that I’m done raising up children and caring for my mother, I am free to once again wonder what it is that God put me here to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I’m not altogether happy with this question because I am quite happy with my life the way it is and this question always seems to go back to me returning to school. I don’t really want to return to school, but now find myself doing just that. I have three options on the table: 1) finish becoming a certified midwife, 2) become a nurse practitioner, or 3) get my master’s in nursing education. Three different paths to get to the place I’m supposed to go and, for now, sitting in the waiting place wondering which path will open up before me.
In the meantime, Tick and I are getting ready for our trip to Paris in two weeks! Gosh dern it do we need a vacation. We’ll actually be spending a week in Paris, three days in Bath (taking the waters, of course), and four days in London (meeting friends from the internet and having a great time, I’m sure). It’s always nice to have a sweet diversion when you’re in a holding pattern. Because, thankfully, even on the rainiest days, if you can’t see the rainbow at least you can often find an umbrella.