>So, yeah, my son up and left today to hop a bus (with a ticket) to San Francisco with $100 dollars in his pocket and his guitar and I guess some clothes. Sadly, he happens to know several young people who will happily enable him for at least a little while.
During all of this, he called his grandmother and tried to get her to get him a ticket to San Diego. She called us in tears as we told her very calmly that she could never do any such thing and if she did she was risking his life. Our son knows dozens and dozens of people in San Diego, including one very pissed off lady who would love nothing better than to put up my son and watch his brains rot out of his head. He simply cannot be helped to get there. That situation was very touch and go but in the end she stood firm and followed our wishes and told him she wouldn’t help him in any way unless expressly given permission to do so by us, his parents.
Sometimes my heart feels as hard as stone. I’m resolute. Even calm. This is the reality we’ve been trying to prevent for year now and in a weird way it isn’t nearly as bad as we thought it would feel. We’ve done everything conceivable under the moon and now this is simply the next step. Other times I’m in the most agonizing pain immaginable. Georgia, the dog he got in treatment follows me around trying to help me feel better. She chews crap and gets on the counter completely ignoring you, but start crying and she is there in a heartbeat trying to make it all better. She’s such a good girl.
I had to call my mom to tell her and she’s agreed to carry my anger for me right now. I don’t feel anger (yet) but my mom said, “You were the very best mother in the entire world and there is no reason for him to be acting this way.” There was some comfort in that. My mother-in-law has also been very complimentary towards our parenting and me personally as a mom which at least means we don’t have to face accusations and blame…our own moms are giving us grace and that’s a blessing. I feel sorry that they are having to go through this pain again through their grandson. The Tick and I were simply awful to our parents and we surely deserve some sort of karmic retribution.
The night we conceived our son my husband and I had a fairly heated argument, but I also knew I was ovulating and I very much wanted another child, so my husband gave in and we resolved our fight in order to conceive this child. Funny how that keeps coming back to me. Right this minute I regret winning that fight and that’s the God’s honest truth. Don’t hold me to, but right now I feel that way. It isn’t that I don’t love my son. Not at all, but I do not want this cup…please remove it from me. I do not want to know just exactly how much pain my heart can hold, but I’m afraid I’m about to find out.
God brought a memory back to me last week that has been an encouragement to me. I’m too tired and wrung out to detail it right now, but the quick story is that I received a very clear word from the Lord about my son when he was around 11. It was a clear message. God said (not in an audible voice, but clear just the same) that raising this child was going to cost me dearly in every way and would bring me to the brink of what I could bear but He promised me that in the end my son would and did belong to Him and that I did not need to worry. I’m trying to hang onto this message I received in the light and not doubt it while living so desperately in this darkness..
Please don’t be mad at my son. I believe that he suffers from the disease of addiction and that relapse is part of that disease process. I also know there is hope and recovery.
We’ve completely cut him off financially except for his cell phone and that won’t stay forever…we just haven’t made a decision yet. He has less than $100 to his name and nowhere to live. Sadly, he does have assorted enablers like I mentioned so he won’t be on the streets right away.
Please pray for strength for my husband and myself, strength to love. Please pray for my mother-in-law. She’s having a terrible time. She’s not a believer and there’s even more issues there that are too complex to explore in this little blog tonight. She needs prayers more than I because I know ultimately that my son knows the Lord and belongs to Him. Nothing that happens will happen outside of God. Everything that happens will be for his ultimate good.
I just please want him not to die. I want him to get to those pig pens slopping the pigs as quickly as possible, but God please, I do not want my son to be killed.
One last thing. We are doing everything in our power to stay as calm and unemotional as possible in order to keep the relationship door open. It is our belief that we need to stay unemotional and non-reactive. Any prayers to that end would also be appreciated.
Rome. In less than one month, we’ll be spending our first night in Rome. I am looking forward to that very much. We won’t be taking any cellphones or computers.