>Arkansas

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Yep. I’m typing to you from the business center here at the Little Rock Airport Holiday Inn Express. We ate some rather rich pasta last night at someplace called “Bostons”. It was ok. We’re about to head off for somewhere in Arkansas to see our son for the first time in 6 weeks. The last time I saw him he was sobbing and begging us not to send him to here. And I hadn’t seen him 4 weeks before that.

I miss him. I really miss him. As angry and upset and everything I’ve been now, I miss him. I hope that we’ve been apart long enough that he misses us.

He sounds down on his phone calls. Very down. The counselor says this is an improvement over the cool cheerfulness he had when he first got there. Somewhere over the past 6 weeks he’s realized that he’s in here and not at some expensive boarding school. We can only pray.

I’m almost finished with Beautiful Boy. I have so much I want to say but I don’t have the book with me, so I can’t exactly quote it. Towards the end, the author begins the realization that as much as he’s suffered his son has suffered more. I doubt anyone who hasn’t been down the road of life-threatening drug addiction would understand that…I have. I know what it is to walk in my son’s shoes, and I need to keep remembering that even though I’ve tried to put those nightmares away. Now I have to dust them off and make them fresh again….so that I keep my compassion and am not swallowed up in my rage.

I’m so often wrapped up in my own agony of terror, hopelessness, and all my lost dreams that I forget that my son is also suffering. I feel that the Lord is trying to wedge open a new place in my heart.

My go-to coping mechanism for people who continually hurt me is to cut them out. Like a precise surgeon, I cauterize people who hurt me out of my life and out of my heart. I’ve done it many times. I’m not saying it doesn’t leave it a scar because it always does, but once gone…they are gone. My sister is the last person I did this to. Now, when I think about her, I feel a sad regret, but no loss whatsoever. She’s been cut out. I’m not saying this is healthy or right or admirable or anything. I’m just saying it because it is true. When people hurt me, I get rid of them.

But I cannot cut out my son. I can’t. I’d have to do surgery on every single cell of my being. Any attempts to cut him out will kill the patient…I may still breathe, but I know I’ll be dead. To stop loving my son means that I won’t have a heart anymore and I can’t do that…I can’t do that to my husband or my beautiful daughter. I can’t kill my heart because they need me. And as much as I want to (and trust me, I want to) I cannot stop loving my son no matter how bad it hurts because he needs me, too. But the pain is so terrible that I don’t think I can endure it.

I cannot approach this problem like any other I’ve ever had before. I do not know what to do. The Lord has to give me a heart big enough and strong enough to love my son despite the pain. There is no other way.

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5 thoughts on “>Arkansas

  1. >Wow. We’re cut from the same cloth.There is nothing like experiencially walking in shoes to know what they feel like.It’s also the best tonic for judgmentalism.I used to be ashamed of my drug addicted/prostitution/whore past. I tried to hide it and deny it. I never wanted to talk about it. Then one day I realized that because of it, I had a heart of compassion and could see God’s deliverance in anybody’s messed up life.Then I stopped being ashamed and realized that it has built an element of my character that many lack. I’m also a cutter. Cut you out of my life if you hurt me that is. I was just thinking about this quality of mine again today…..funny thing.It’s very easy for me to shut the door on anyone who hurts me. Which is why I have so much turmoil when it comes to my son.I want to lose him like a bad habit. But I can’t. He is me. I am him. Don’t you wish we didn’t have to face so much trial?I do.

  2. >I will be praying for you. I can hear the cry of your mother’s heart and the depth of love you have for your son. Love always covers a multitude of sins and it will this time too. Homekeeper

  3. >The Lord Himself is the only One with a heart that big. But He can give you His heart. In fact, He’s promised us new hearts.25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. Meditate on whatever grabs you from these verses. They are God’s words to Ezekiel, but they are to you and me, too.I’m praying for you and yours, all week long.I love you!

  4. >(((Chloe)))God the Father will collect all your tears and put them in His bottle. May He block every road for your son except the one which sends him racing back into the Father’s waiting arms!Your post was poignant; nonetheless, it left a beautiful picture in my mind of God’s compassion toward us. The greater the love the greater the hurt, it seems. Don’t you know He would rather not be hurt the way we often hurt Him? And yet… He never – EVER – stops loving us, or leaves His children without a way back to Him! And in that knowledge, there is peace… and humility. Blessings, Sherry

  5. The Lord Himself is the only One with a heart that big. But He can give you His heart. In fact, He's promised us new hearts.25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. Meditate on whatever grabs you from these verses. They are God's words to Ezekiel, but they are to you and me, too.I'm praying for you and yours, all week long.I love you!

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