>"Now you know how I feel"

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This is what God said to me last night as I sobbed to Him into my pillow. I hope that doesn’t sound too hokey, but I honestly felt God say that into my head last night. “Now you know how I feel.” It wasn’t said with anger or bitterness, just a sad statement of fact. “Now you know how I feel.”

God sits there all day waiting to hear from us and sometimes we simply decline the call. Well, we’re busy. We’ve got a lot going on. We’re doing fine. Or we aren’t.

The part of me that has sense left in my head realizes that this is probably a good sign in its own way. And also, this is the only choice our son really has the ability to make. All of his other choices are made for him. The only weapon he has is his phone call. Here he is, literally a week and a half from his 18th birthday, and he doesn’t get to choose the clothes he wears (I packed for him and there are strict regulations on that), he doesn’t choose what time he gets up (not even on Saturday or Sunday), he doesn’t choose how he will spend his day (every minute of every day is strictly regulated). He doesn’t even choose what foods he’ll eat (they eat a very strict diet without any sugar, caffeine or chocolate). And he spends his day in therapy being confronted again and again with the fact that his parents slapped him into rehab and he’s going to spend his 18th birthday there, alone.

It is pathetic how I have to fight my own basest instincts. I ought to be the mature adult here. But you better believe that I was thinking last night, “Fine, I’ll show him. I just won’t be here on Friday if he does call.” How childish. But I just want to stop hurting. Thank God He doesn’t do that to me. I’m glad that when I finally do get around to calling on God He answers and doesn’t sit there pouting about what a crummy child of God I’ve been and after all He’s done for me, etc, etc, etc.

I guess the best part of blogging is that I can cuss here occasionally. Sorry for those I offended with that word. I might edit it later, but it truly expresses where I was at and I don’t think my husband and I are the only ones traveling this desperate road. In this, I have at times felt very alone. But let me reassure you, if your child is driving you to sob into your pillow….you aren’t alone. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to love your child more than anything and to try your very best to reach them and teach them and guide them and love them. I know how it feels to make huge sacrifices for them and then to have them reject you and everything you stand for. And God clearly let me know last night that He knows how that feels too.

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5 thoughts on “>"Now you know how I feel"

  1. >You sound like you are doing well with what is happening Chloe. I know it doesn’t “feel” well, but from what I’m reading, you’re thinking clearly and rationally.Good for you.Those tears can be healing. And my pillow is my best buddy some times. I love what you’ve said here about God. That’s exactly what I think about so many times when I get so exasperated with my children.Wow, look at the crap God puts up with and loves me anyway.

  2. >Oh, Chloe. I have thought much about you and Wolfie in the past few days. You know I had four years of this stuff with my oldest. I so remember these feelings you blog about. I so respect what you are doing. I know God will be faithful to you, Tick, and Wolfie. I know that. You will all come out the other side of this and rejoice. You will…Hugs and prayers, friend. Yvonne….SL Woman@the Well.

  3. >I just discovered your blog today – and read the above post. You hit the nail on the head, dear sister, with regard to homeschooling (spoken as a hsing momma of 13+yrs). I am going to explore the rest of your blog as I have time, but I wanted to give you a wave from MN and let you know I'm praying for you & your family.

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