>Despair

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My heart is broken in a million pieces. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I have poured my life out into my children. I have really tried hard to be a loving and good mother. I have loved my children with all my heart and soul and mind.

We got our scheduled phone call last night from the treatment center and were told that my son had chosen to decline his phone call. His father and I had sat all day waiting for this few minutes we would have to talk to him. And he declined his call. How this works is that a staff member makes the call and then hands the phone to your child and you get your 10 minutes. Tonight the staff member called and then said, “Your son has decided to decline his call tonight. He’s doing well.” I said, “Thank you” and went to hang up. The staff member I think was trying to soften the blow and wanted to tell me something good about how he’s doing, but I just reiterated my “Thank you.” And hung up. I don’t want to hear from the staff member about how good his is getting along there with the guys or whatever. My son declined his call home tonight. Maybe he’ll call on Friday or maybe not. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

You know, somebody out there is either going through this or will go through this and so I’ll write about this even though I’m humiliated. Everything I thought we’d done right…………………It doesn’t even matter. It’s all futile. God controls everything. He has all the cards. It feels like we’re nothing more than a pawn in this sick game that goes nowhere. Why bother? I have never felt this depressed and hopeless in my life. What was it all for anyway?

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11 thoughts on “>Despair

  1. >Oh gosh, Chloe, I usually just lurk here and enjoy your posts on the SL forums but hearing your pain in your post I just couldn’t click off your page without sending some love.My kids are little so I’m not going to pretend to understand what you’re going through but I hope I can encourage you nonetheless.Everything you poured into your son DOES matter. It’s ALL in there even if he’s not showing it right now. And, I know you know this, but even God can’t make anyone do the right thing. There are Christians whom God has poured Himself into who still screw up and crush the heart of God the way your heart is crushed. Whatever you are feeling God has felt. He doesn’t hold all the cards either – he choose to give us some cards in the form of free will and, well, the rest is history.I am so, so sorry Wolfie has caused you this pain. Your poor mama’s heart 😦 Cling to The Tick and to your Lord. I pray strength and peace for you. I wish there was more I could do. I know that there will be many prayers going up for you, you are well loved and appreciated. May we take some of this burden for you and grant you rest.One day at a time ((((HUGS))))

  2. >Oh, (((Chloe))), I can’t not even imagine, even a little bit how you feel, and I don’t think there are any platitudes that will make you feel any better. 😦 What I want to do is drive to wear he is and hit him for upsetting you…

  3. >Chloe,I’m going to try very hard to stay away from platitudes.I utter those same words…”WTF” pretty regularly when it comes to raising my two older teens.It seems my words are impervious and the actions I have taken to give them somethig better than I ever had are not even noticed.It’s hard to wrap your mind, never mind your heart, around a cold truth that they have a mind of their own and that sometimes, no matter WHAT you say or do, they ignore you.My oldest teen is very much like your ds. Mine will fly off the handle and cuss me out like you’ve never seen. He will, in a horrifying moment become the man that I ran from when ds and dd were only 5 months old and 2 years old swearing they would have a better life.I am anticipating my ds will walk some very tough roads in his life because of his stubborn, willful defiance. Because of his, “nobody is going to tell me what to do”It pains me and I’m doing everything I can to cut my heart strings so that when he falls flat on his face, or ends up with a divorce, or becomes an alcoholic, or whatever………I can say that I have done the best that I can and he has rejected my counsel and guidance.It’s impossible for them to “get it” from our point of view. I have to keep driving that home into my head. They don’t “get it”I would venture to say that your ds is doing some deep soul searching. Perhaps he needs to be away from you and Tick.Is it the best thing for him? Nope. The best thing for him is to let you and your husband, his loving parents, help him. But he won’t.Think of how God’s heart must break when we walk against him. When we just won’t accept his grace and mercy and continue to confess our loss, our lack and our inability to triumph. Think of all the shit that Jesus Christ swallowed down and forgave anyway, just so you and I could casually “decide” on a daily basis if we want to actually live up to it or not.But, most of all, don’t let yourself take responsibility for what he is doing. He really does have his own free will. And it sucks doesn’t it?Please find some Anne Lamott books. Find the ones where she talks about her son.She has helped me feel more sane than anybody. Talk about a woman who doesn’t live by platitudes.And finally, if you just want to talk, please call me.

  4. >Chloe, I don’t have magic words to make it right. And some days. . .no, make that a lot of days. . .it can be really, really hard to scrounge up a mustard seed’s worth of hope. Those are the days I just put one foot in front of the other. ((((hugs))))Sandy

  5. >I am so very sorry.He is angry. This is the only way he can wound you right now – otherwise, his hands are tied. See, he feels like YOU have all the cards.It is NOT futile. But it IS painful. Terribly, horribly, mercilessly painful right now.But I do NOT believe it is futile. And I do not believe this part is forever. He’s got to work through it, though, hon.I love you. I am praying. DO NOT give up. You are in a battle for his life and soul. His heart will come around in time, I believe.

  6. >Chloe, I’ve been reading your blog and SL posts. I have an incredible amount of respect for you as a mom. Keep at it, even though it sucks right now. Just a thought, though – maybe he declined his phone call because he’s now realizing that maybe he *does* need this, and the pain of having to admit that you were right was too much for him at the moment. I know I’ve been there.Hang in there!Erin (luvmyguys on SL)

  7. >Chloe, I haven’t posted on your blog before but have followed your story here and on the Sonlight forums. I am one of those occasional lurkers/very rare posters. What you are going through presently breaks my heart and reminds me of the time I spent in the depths of despair over the horrifying choices our oldest made for a period of time. It seemed no matter how hard I prayed, she still continued on her destructive path and nothing I prayed to happen as obstacles to such behavior happened. Where was God? Why didn’t He listen to me? Why didn’t He stop her from doing those things? I still don’t know the answers. I always came back to the fact that God allows us to make choices and I can’t force Him to force my choice on someone else. My prayers ended up being for my daughter’s protection and that her eyes would be opened. She wasn’t protected (from my viewpoint) from everything but eventually–several years later–her eyes were opened. Does she always choose like I would? No. Do I still love her? Yes. And I have learned to trust God for her future and be grateful for each little positive thing that happens in her life. Our retired pastor’s wife has been a role model to me and I decided I wanted to try to be gracious and peaceful in my circumstances like her rather than bitter and angry, like I tend to be. Their son has brought them much grief and she is trusting God that he will one day come back to the Lord. I know at this moment there is nothing anyone can say to take the edge of your hurt and grief–it is real and I so understand. Praying this time is a time for your son to collect himself and be in communication with you soon.

  8. >Thank you all. Waking up to these was such a kindness. You are sent to me by God as a balm for my soul. I am blessed to have good friends who will sit in these ashes and cry with me.I know that I have held my family (the family The Tick and I have made) up as…maybe not an idol…but as evidence that we’re pleasing God and doing these right. I have felt superior to others who have suffered a wayward child. I have thought, “That won’t happen to us because we’ve done (fill in the blank).”I do know that this is the darkness before the dawn. Deep down I do. I do not know how long this darkness will last, but I believe that God will redeem this situation for His glory. Until then, thank you all for being my flashlights.love, chloe

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