>I dreamt I prayed all night long

>

My 46yo bladder woke me up to a killer headache. After answering the demands of the insistent urgency, I went back to bed and kept drifting in and out of this prayer-sleep in the hopes the headache would go away, but I finally just gave up and dragged myself out of bed and took some painkillers. I still have the headache, and it doesn’t seem to be any better laying down in a dark room or sitting here, so I’m sitting here blogging instead of getting ready for church. This is especially sad since my husband is singing the special music today. The irony there is that he wanted to beg off the special music assignment, but I encouraged him to do it despite his emotional and physical exhaustion, and now I’m not going.

I do appreciate all the sweet comments and pms that I’ve gotten–they’ve been a huge encouragement to me. Obviously, those who think I’m a crummy mother and could see this coming all along because of my occasional liberal leanings have refrained from blasting me yet. Maybe if I’d been into first-time obedience my kid wouldn’t be doing these things. Maybe if I’d scheduled feedings instead of demand-fed this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if we’d made them sleep in their own beds instead of having a family bed when they were little. Maybe if I’d spanked more. But I know for a fact that it just isn’t that easy. As a long-time observer of human behavior and parenting I can say that it just isn’t that easy.

I ought to take no more credit for my daughter than blame for my son. And when I start to frame their issues, both good and bad, in light of myself, I elevate my own importance and, at the same time, devalue them and the God who created us all. I am not the center of the universe. My role was to teach and guide not control the outcome. And frankly, the outcome is still uncertain. If anyone had taken a snapshot of my husband and his sister when they were 20 and 18 the prediction would have been that my husband was headed for a life of ruin and his sister would be the success. And that’s not exactly how it has gone down.

Want to hear something funny? That highly-recommended counselor told us that our son is normal and our daughter is the aberrant one. Hilarious, isn’t it? And by my recent (as in the last two days) perusal of many of the local kids’ myspace pages, I’d have to say that if “normal” means common then he’d be right. No wonder he thinks this behavior is normal. These myspace pages are filled with pictures of drunk, stoned, sexually-active teenagers dancing around bonfires. Apparently, from my myspace research, psychedelics are the rage this summer amongst our local kids. LSD, ecstasy, and mushrooms are the drugs of choice for the local party crowd. And they aren’t exactly hiding it.

Seeing the pervasiveness of the drug scene in our local community has cast a pall of despair over me and I think contributed to my restless, prayer-filled night’s sleep and subsequent tension headache that even a healthy dose of ibuprofen isn’t touching. Will my son choose to turn his back on this laughing, fun-loving crowd of people who seem to be dancing around these various summer bonfires without a care in the world? Of course, I know that the cares of this world and all its realities and consequences that are inevitable from drugs and promiscuity WILL come crashing down upon them, but my son and his friends do not believe it. For now, they are laughing and having fun today for tomorrow they die. I remember being that age and thinking that way…before reality came crashing down on me. I pray for my son that he will be given eyes to see and ears to hear and will come to his senses quickly rather than too late.

Anyway, my husband made it home safe and sound. Well, safe anyway. I’m not sure how sound we are. We do have a sort of peace, but it isn’t a peace I’d wish on anyone else. We’ve taken a drastic action, that’s for sure, without any clue how it is going to turn out. I fight despair and cling to hope. I feel so alone. Nobody else here in my neck of the woods is rushing their kids off anywhere, or doing anything constructive that I can see to stop this madness. Hell, no. I don’t know about my kids, but clearly my husband and I ARE aberrant parents.

So here’s the Scripture that inspired my dreams. I actually dreamed that I was this woman in this parable and I kept going to God and begging Him for justice and attention to my problem.

Luke 18

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually wear me out with her coming!’ ”

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

In my dream, God was quite annoyed with me and sick of hearing my lament. Too bad. I’m not leaving the throne room until I get what I want.

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7 thoughts on “>I dreamt I prayed all night long

  1. >I wish I had something perfect and profound to tell you. But I don’t.I like you, have often enraged the religious crowd and others of their ilk for refusing to think it is my responsibility to convict someone of their sins.My very, deeply rooted belief in this area is directly tied to many issues in my life as a young woman and choices that I made that I was convinced I would never make.The subsequent fall out from those decisions brought home the very harsh reality that people can and often do judge. Harshly. It changed me profoundly in that I made a vow I would never judge someone for a choice they made, no matter how horrendous I may perceive it to be. It enflames the scribes and the pharasees, but in truth, I can see no other way to live.Show me someone who has not sinned and I’ll show you a dead person.Hang in there Chloe. Hang in there. God is with you and does not judge you harshly. He will help you and your husband with your son.

  2. >Thanks, Mags. I appreciate the encouragement. It is a difficult time now as news of our action circulates about town and the whispering and sideways glances begin. I cannot tell you how strongly I’m fighting the temptation to download those pictures from myspace and send them to the newspaper in the hopes they’d be published. Or maybe I’ll just post them here on my blog. They’re on a public site. I’d love to sing from the rooftops, “It isn’t just my kid, folks!! It may be your kid, too. We’re just trying to do something about it. And I wish you would too so that when my kid comes home your kid isn’t sitting there ready to drag him back.” But frankly, it doesn’t seem like most parents here either want to know or think something ought to be done.It is frustrating. I want my son back.

  3. >Chloe,You don’t know me, but I was a lurker on SL for 3yrs, so I came to feel like I “know” you and your family. I am so sorry you are all having to deal with this, but so thankful you are dealing with it rather than turning a blind eye to it. I pray that during this time away, God will give Wolfie the strength to do what he needs, and through it all you may all feel God’s love and strength. I have a good friend who at 37 is just now beginning to break free of the chains from marijuana. He started when he was 15 or 16. He wishes his parents had done for him what you and Tick are doing for Wolfie.Praying for you all. Hugs.

  4. >Chloe,You are not a crummy mother! As you well know FTO is not the answer neither is scheduled feedings nor is sleeping in ones own bed and especially not spanking. God is the answer and we pray that your son will find peace and wholeness in His presence! It pains me to read of you speaking about yourself in such a negative way. I don’t know you personally but I don’t think you and your husband are bad parents. I don’t think your liberal leanings have caused your current circumstances. I felt compelled to share with you that you are a role model mom to so many! Even to ones like me who are into scheduled feedings, FTO, sleeping in ones’ own bed and the like. I can’t promise you that there are not people out there who will not judge you based upon your kids actions but I can say that you need to not worry about them! Please only concern yourself with what your Father thinks of you!And as you know He thinks so many wonderful things about it you it could fill a book!

  5. >Just two steps behind you with my almost 15 yo. It’s not drugs, but his behavior is just as destructive. Thinking about you daily, sister. My reading this morning was Psalm 39. I read it twice, the second time really emphasizing inflection and tone and both my DH and teen “got it.” Basically it’s saying, “I’m holding my tongue, because I just know if I say anything I’ll sin with my words.” But my heart is growing hot, and I am going to BUST if I don’t vent. So I speak, “God, tell me how it’s all going to end up. Tell me the ending so I know how truly weak I am. We’re all just puny, crappy people. We buy stuff to make ourselves happy. We try to answer our own questions. But GOD, what am I waiting for to give me peace and happiness? My hope has to be in YOU alone. Deliver me from this sin of the I-god, don’t let others use me as their object lesson– I didn’t talk about it because You allowed this into my life to make me who you want me to be, but I can’t do it. Take it from me, Lord, because I just can’t go on living with this pain. It’s too hard. You are Lord, and I am nothing. I get that. Please listen to me, I get that. Take this from me, it’s killing me.

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